Brain Swimmer

I wrote a long preface, click here if you just want to get to the reasons.

Preface

It seems like blogs are not as popular as they used to be. Two decades ago, I think the idea of “reading a blog,” was probably synonymous with the idea of “using the internet.” Now, blogging is a tiny subfraction of the internet. This is, of course, not helped by the steadily declining rate of people who actively enjoy reading. Oh well, for me, all that means is that there’s never been a better time to start a blog!

It is unlikely that anyone will ever read this post, or any of my other posts. Or, even if a few people do land on this page because of the title, there’s about a coin’s flip chance that they will skip and/or skim over most of what I wrote. That’s alright, I get it, I’ve done the same thing. That’s alright because this is a personal blog anyway. I’m mostly writing it for me. And if anyone does read it, well, that’s just a mild bonus.

I’ve always enjoyed writing. In grade school, every year’s English class had the same daily homework assignment: read a chapter of the book we were supposed to be reading, then, write a summary of said chapter in my notebook, along with a “response” to the chapter content. The teachers only intended for us to write a single short paragraph, and one to two sentences about what the chapter made you think. Most kids, being reasonable, would fill just about a half to two thirds of a page at most in their notebook. But I, who wouldn’t compromise in sharing every piece of my mind, usually filled an entire page; two paragraphs of a summary, and one long one for the response. Sometimes, I couldn’t fit all my writing on the page’s lines, so I’d end up finishing my thoughts in the side margins, in extra small letters, making each new word smaller as I steadily ran out of that space too. I was an interesting kid.

The entire process of writing is enjoyable to me. The first draft flies by in under an hour. The editing work following is much slower but willful and musing. And the polish and “finishing touches” finale, well, that’s often when my best ideas and cleverest statements finally pour out of me. These new concoctions bubble up into awareness, with fresh sentiments simmered, deep deliberations absorbed, and connections dissolving and combining, reducing, but forming into a fine, cerebral meat and potato stew, and all of it done while my mind was in a different kitchen. These are isolated moments of wit, sure, but those have been the moments in my life, when I have thought to myself most, that maybe, just maybe, I can one day become the writer that I have fantasized about becoming.

Unfortunately, while I always have half a mind to sit down and write about what I’m currently thinking about, there are always 4-5 other “halves” of me that urge me with, “a job project that I should work on instead,” “a friend’s function that I have to attend,” or the classic, “It’s already pretty late, I’m tired, I’ll just start tomorrow.” I fend off one diverting thought, then another, but the other voices in me only ever partially retreat, before regrouping for a new siege. A series of battles, as time steadily ticks away for days, then weeks, then months, until now, when finally, I’ve started a blog, but years after I wish I had. I always told myself that I simply didn’t have time for it. But, as I look back in time, I must now be open and honest with myself: the truth is that I always had time. I just chose not to, because choosing to do all those other things was easier for me than sitting down in front of a blank page with the intent to make sustained cognitive demands of my brain. The thought of doing so was hard, it was daunting, and it was anxiety provoking. Even while knowing the whole time that I did want to do it.

I do have some minor experience in blogging, thanks to college (years ago). I had to set one up for a “desktop publishing” class that I was in. Turns out, “desktop publishing” is just university or professional speak for “blogging,” and hence, the class was primarily a course in blogging. I had to make a post every week, and so I wrote about classic rock music (a personal interest of mine), and learned about the roots of rockabilly and punk rock. I kept up with the strict weekly post schedule of the class because I had to, although every post ended up being a blast to write, once I started on it. The experience reignited my love of writing and made me realize that while starting and focusing is hard, if I can start and if I can commit, I just keep going and I don’t want to stop. The first few posts, I had to do, and there was much mental resistance, but with every new post, that resistance got a little bit quieter, and starting became fractionally easier. Unfortunately, the class ended before I could act on my epiphany, and I abandoned the blog soon after. Funny enough, the professor really liked my work and actually offered me a part-time job writing for her friend who owned a blog and I, of course, declined the offer. I really wish I had taken it.

I thought that sharing my three main reasons for finally starting a blog would make for a great first post. I’ve put it off long enough. I am going to make time, and finally this is going to happen. Of course, these three reasons are my own personal reasons, but I figure that there’s probably lots of people out there with similar reasons and who might relate. Though, my reasons are entirely personal, and when I write any post, it will always be from my own subjective perspective. And even if no one relates because no one’s eyes ever land upon this (hopefully) semi-interesting heap of words on the internet, I’ll still be happy for having started it. So, without further ado, here are the reasons:

Reason #1: To gather and let out some thoughts

The first reason is, of course, the number one reason that most people start blogs on the internet. As hinted at in my intro, my mind is running a constant dialogue with itself anytime my brain is conscious enough to hear about it. It’s like a computer constantly running multiple things in the background. I can switch tasks, I can put it to sleep sometimes, but I can never actually shut it down. I ponder about everything – life, myself, other people, society, politics, philosophy, books I’ve read, media I’ve consumed, the future, the past, errands, household tasks, work, and many more things not added only because they didn’t come to mind at the exact moment that I was writing this. It’s not always a problem, but it’s also not always a great segue for a solution. I suffer constantly from high volume, low focus thinking. In other words, I am wondrously scatterbrained. Right now, I’m trying to figure out how to explain my wandering brain via example. But first, I need to figure out what I’m having for dinner tonight. So, my mind runs for miles, yet it ends up nowhere, because it never stops anywhere long enough to really meditate on much.

Having a blog where, ideally, I push myself to regularly sit and write out all my thoughts and feelings on just one inspired thought or topic – possibly interrogating my own reasoning as I write, will force me to fully flesh out my perspectives. Doing so, I wouldn’t just be sharing my thoughts with the world, but also, in a way, with myself, as I explore every inch of the mental space that I end up in, and perhaps, in some corners, meet parts of myself that I would have never met otherwise. My mind “writes” in mostly short monologues. But I know that when I push, my hands can write a whole play. My brain will have to strap itself in, into a padded jacket, if necessary, because every post I put up will be a singularly focused line of contemplation that I have. Of course, it’ll put up a fight first, but I know that every time I’m able to finish a post, that will have been one more time that wrangling the thing got a bit easier.

As a preliminary note on my future blogging, I should admit that all my musings are casual and come from a brain with only a casual understanding of some of the topics I’ll likely write about. I don’t have professional credentials worth mentioning, and I haven’t read every book in the world (and, recently, not many books in general). I read quite a bit in my youth, but, as with writing, it’s been a while. Possibly, some of what I read as a kid will come back to me as I start to write regularly. Though, in any case, I’ll make as much time as I possibly can to read up on unfamiliar material that might help me lay my thoughts out on sturdier grounds (recommendations are welcome!). I’ll have to avoid sharing any personally identifiable information, but my thoughts on serious topics will always be of my own personal machinations, and always unreservedly honest. Of course, not every post will be a serious one; there will also be other times where I just want to pour out some thoughts about a movie I saw recently.

Reason #2 To become a better writer

This is probably another common reason that people start blogs. A personal blog allows you to not only dump your thoughts out but also experiment and develop in the ways you dump them out. Then, my personal ultimate hope is that I eventually get to write and publish my own book, which, I’m sure, is a stimulating goal for many bloggers. My lifelong shadowed desire to put words onto a page and ‘create’ something – ideas, stories, characters, and meaning, has caught up with me. I understand and accept that I’ve still got a long road ahead of me, but I’ve at least finally overcome the mental block that prevented me, for a long time, from even getting started on the walk. Many “mes” throughout my life didn’t think I could do it, and truthfully, the current me is still not sure that I can, but what I do know is that this me is going to try.

I am, at present, a decent enough writer (I hope), thanks to my youth much spent over a book or over a pen, but my writing isn’t as good as I want it to be – not as good as I’d want the writing in my first book to be. It’ll do for blog posting, but that’s all I’m (barely) comfortable with for now. Sure, I always got high marks in school and college writing assignments, but just because I wrote well enough to impress teachers doesn’t mean I write well enough to write an entire book. The truth is that I barely remember how to correctly use commas around quotations. I don’t remember the exact definitions of certain words I used to know (inscrutable, idiosyncrasy, pithy, etc.). And, occasionally, while browsing random pages on the web, I’ll come across writing concepts that I’ve never even heard of (the oxford comma, the malaphor, the 7-act story structure). The truth is that I still have a lot to learn.

Thus, as I push myself to write regularly, I am going to be intentional about relearning the rules of grammar and punctuation, expanding my vocabulary, and playing around with things like writing style and structure. Having to occasionally read a bit more going forward, as I said I would in my first reason, should also naturally help with my refurbishment. I’d like to see not only an eventual improvement in my writing ability but also a development of my own somewhat unique style of word smithing. Then, in about a year from now, I’ll write an “update on my progress” post, where I look back at the way I write now, and compare it to the way I write then. The hope is that there is a noticeable improvement. Until we’re there, well, it’s been a long time since I’ve seriously sat down and composed for longer than a paragraph, so, if anyone is reading this, hopefully you can bear with me while I shake off years of accumulated rust.

Reason #3: To become a better speaker

This reason is probably less frequently cited by other bloggers than the first two, but, for me, this has been as equally a motivating factor as the others in my decision to start a blog. I’ve always admired the sort of people that can talk at length about a subject – or multiple subjects, in both simple and non-simple language. I think many of us do. These are the people on podcasts or interview shows that can hold long strong conversations, without stuttering, having to “search” for words, or talking themselves into a corner. I’m thinking of social commentators, (some) comedians, philosophers, or, really, anyone that has just known quite a bit about a particular subject. They often speak with enviable passion and articulation, and with a naturalness that rarely feels forced or inauthentic. I’ve always wondered how does one reach that point, where you can just do that. I, as you might be guessing, have always struggled with this. Even in casual everyday conversations, I have often found myself at the end of my wit, and thus, with nothing left to say. It sucks and I want to change that about myself.

I have a theory that great speaking ability comes to those who not only read and learn the most fervently, but who also write the most fervently. Many of the great communicators I’ve listened to, I’ve noticed, are also bloggers, reporters, authors, and/or writers of high volume in some other way.  Thus, they’re great conversationalists, who can be quick on their feet, and go on ad infinitum in large part, I believe, because they’re talking about things they’ve probably already written (and thought) about. It’s, of course, probably a lot easier to expel information (or opinions) you’re just recalling than it is to expel information that you’re mentally processing in real time. Details, facts, and figures that, maybe you’ve thought about once or twice before, but haven’t yet been able to fully mull over in your mind, thus, resulting in a “discussion” full of disparate sound bites and crushing pauses. Unfortunately, this has been my experience.

I think that a true high level of oratory ability can only be achieved by people who really do know a lot about the things they’re addressing, likely, because they’ve written about it. They’ve done a lot of thinking and the questions they might’ve had at the start of learning about a subject, they’ve long answered for themselves. Certainly, things like charisma and cadence are also important, but writing a lot about the things you want to be able to talk about, I think, is a just as important first step. As said in my first reason for starting a blog, I’m thinking about everything constantly, about simple matters and complex subjects, but you wouldn’t know it from having a conversation with me. I’m hoping this blog will help me change that.

Final Thought

Now, as I come to the end of my first post, I realize that I wrote way more than I originally sought to. Well, as I said, I love to write, and once I get going, I’m absolutely flying. I wrote the draft in just over an hour. I already had my three reasons, and once I started under each, words just kept on materializing. Although, the editing work afterward did take me over a week. Editing can be its own fun sometimes, but hopefully I do get just a bit faster with regular posting. I’d like to pretend like I’ll be posting once a week, but I think for now it’s safer to admit that it’ll probably be more like every two weeks, at best.

Also, to anyone reading, hopefully some of what I wrote made sense and is somewhat relatable to you. I don’t know how many people read blogs anymore, but even one comment on the occasional post would absolutely be amazing, even if the comment is critical. Comments would help me measure my writing (and thinking) progress through the eyes of others. I know that it is unlikely that anyone is watching, and, if that’s the case, then I guess it is what it is, as the phrase goes. Regardless, my goals are to become a better thinker, writer, and speaker, and if I do improve in those, then this blog will have been what I really needed it to be.